Monday, October 31, 2005

Why I haven't written

I haven't written in a while... events from the last few weeks have overwhelmed me and I've not had the heart to write anything.

Until today.

What have I been busy with? The first thing to have overwhelmed me was the change I tried to describe in my previous post (on change). Well, being cryptic didn't make me very popular - I think no one would have understood what happened. The big change happening is that I've accepted to do an MBA in January at INSEAD. INSEAD!

It is kind of prestigious - the pedigree of the students there alone is fantastic. Having had a brief run-through of the student profiles, there are a lot of consultants, investment bankers and some such in the course. There're also the technical folks - your engineers and IT professionals - and the somewhat less often seen ex-military or ex-police person.

Having decided to do the MBA meant a whole slew of things to be done: I needed to sort out my finances and take a loan to finance the MBA - it is tiring to call banks asking about interest rates and loan tenors. It is also tiring persuading friends to be guarantors - that is probably the hardest part.

Doing an MBA also meant quitting the job: I've decided that an LOA (Leave of Absence) is out of the question. The firm needs to justify keeping me; rather, it needs me to justify it for them. And I don't think I'm up to it. I have thought about an exit for so long, and this is the best I've had so far. I'm leaving - but I might be back, so never say never. (I will so miss my colleagues - all in, they're the best people that I've had to work with, ever).

As if I'm not having enough worries, the project I was on finally decided to kick into 2nd gear. A real pain in the neck, this project. Now, I've had to organise sessions to review my design, listen to nonsense about how bad or good my design fits the business model, review and re-design, log issues and generally get shot for shoddy work (at times). However, through it all, I've felt comforted that the users appreciate the effort - they have a generally good feel about where we have progressed.

However, I wished I was on the project full-time though - that would have made things easier. As it is, I've also had to go for in-camp training for 3 weeks in Tuas - a major schedule wrecker of a reservist. Being on reservist meant that the social life is ruined: Book in at 3pm, leave the next day at 4.30pm. What can one do with the time in between? It's like what one of the guys said: it's a bu4 san1 bu2 si4 (Chinese for not 3, not 4) kind of timing.

So there: MBA, project, reservist. Project and reservist I can't do anything about: after all, I'm quitting, so the project's drain on my body is only until mid-Dec. After that, whether the project is chugging along nicely (or dead to the water) is not my concern anymore. Reservist has to be served - and it meant time away from work, so it isn't such a bad thing totally.


The above matters aren't so bad. However, another big thing happened yesterday which really saddened me: the GF wants to break up. :(

It seems like there are fundamental problems in our relationship, and even though we love each other dearly, the problems we have now might mean that we will never have a meaningful long term relationship, i.e. a marriage meant to last.

She feels that I'm not spiritually mature... I don't have the strong Christian conviction which she is looking for in a husband. It's true in a sense: I've not lived as a good Christian person for a long time, and it isn't fair to have us marry if I can't lead the family we eventually build in a Christian way of life.

To be fair, I was a good Christian once. I remember myself being diligent with my quiet time, and being faithful in my walk with Christ - it was the period of my life when I was attending JC. I was fervent, but I was no evangelist (I've never been one). I also participated in church, serving in the youth fellowship committee.

Things changed when NS started. Things really changed when I went to Uni also. I think those were the formative years of my adult life - they shaped me to become more or less what I am today.

But the weak Christian in me isn't the only aspect of our failure in this relationship: we've lost that spark somewhat. That initial surge of optimism, passion, and faith in things to come. The feeling that we've found that someone special.

I tried to re-create some of it for her birthday: she wept. I hope she was touched by what I did. (still sorry about what else I did though...)

On her birthday, she suggested we break up. The world came crashing down; the legs became weak. Information which came to me while I was in-camp, and all I could do in response was stare at the sea for a whole 2 hours (an hour each before/after dinner). Called a close friend who comforted me somewhat with her views (jaded as she is, she is not me) but did not salve the pain.

Is there any salvaging this relationship?

If she needs me to be a better person, can I change?

I know one thing for sure: I really do love her and I want to do what I can to keep us going.

So lost... so lost...