Drafted and Shafted

There were things which I wrote halfway and abandoned some time ago for one reason or another. Sometimes, I'm just not motivated enough to continue something I started (a familiar refrain alas). At other times, I don't structure my thoughts coherently enough to deliver something worth reading. I also sometimes fear that what I was writing might affect some friendships in certain adverse ways.

Here's one of those posts I started writing and never finished. It's been in the blogger draft folder since October:

The Night of a Thousand Fucks (Only the Verbal Kind though)

It was not a night to remember. I recalled sitting on a bench, and the next memory was 8 hours later waking up in a housemate's bed without any idea how I got there.

Well, it wasn't just about me not remembering - I was a big nuisance and I sure did not leave any fond memories for the folks I troubled that night.

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Piecing together the events of that night took a while - my fellow South-East Asian saw most of the action, and the blow-by-blow account blew me away. (he took some literal blows as well, poor sod)

First off, I was already drunk by the time he found me.

And then, he fed me more of the vile stuff.

The vile stuff makes one feel vile. But prior to feeling vile, I became the quintessential angry drunk, and that's when the litany of 'fucks' started.

I see someone familiar, and the first issuance from my mouth was 'F*** you'. A friend started keeping count, and from the time I started the f-ing rant till I dropped dead on the living room floor, it was a ceaseless F-fest.

Yup. Certifiably an angry drunk.

Oh yes, there was the hurling bit as well, and that's when it did not become that fun for my fellow South-East Asian friend. (It is always fun up to the point people get sick) Hurled on his jacket, his car, his shirt. Even violently tore up the hurl bag wrapped around my mouth. Punched and abused him as well.

The amount of verbal and physical abuse they had to endure. Ouch...

So there was sick in his car, and on our clothes. The guys dragged me home, pulled some sheets over the small living room area, and left me curled up on the floor.

I don't know how I ended up in my housemate's bed - and telling him had been the worst thing I had to do today.

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Yes I was drunk sometime in October. And drunk in only the kind of way one should be drunk: irresponsibly unconsciously dead drunk.

Another one I tried to write a few days ago didn't get anywhere beyond two points:

Question and Answer / Echo and Bounce

1. Why is it that conversations necessarily follow the Q&A format? I ask you a question, you say something in response, and we both think we are having a conversation. It seems otherwise impossible to elicit information from anyone else: it's all about getting a response.

2. A 'Plop' is an utterance that is greeted with silence. Actually, it is more like an unacknowledged comment. It is a painful thing being a plopper: you never know if it is because what you just said is the single most stupid comment in a conversation.

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Like the above painfully lousy drafts that never got published, some things are really better left unsaid. In the 'Better Left Unsaid' (BLU) bin, I've shafted a whole bunch of ideas which will probably never see the light of day.

For instance, I'd always wanted to write a travel blog that would go by the ostentatious name of 'Heart of Asia' (oddly enough, inspired by a particular techno chinois song). Unfortunately for me, I never did travel all that much - not during the time when I was earning a regular salary, and not even now when I'm a student. Not in Asia at least.

Then, there was the other idea about writing political trish-trash, something ala sammyboy forum clap-trap (like there isn't enough coffee shop political commentary already). I feared being flamed and ridiculed for what I think would most likely be naive commentary: better leave it for people without the common sense to shut up then.

The BLU bin is also filled with the (true) thoughts I have of the friends around me, and they are seldom very flattering. I generally don't see people optimistically: this means that I usually have the view that people around me possess more negative traits than positive ones. For instance, a friend of mine who is effusive and good natured to most other people; in my mind, he will be typified as being irritating, obsessed with unnecessary information, and choose inappropriate topics for conversations (think of that annoying kid who talks about the extent of his knowledge of various species of cockroaches while his parents are gagging over dinner).

I just can't see the positives in most people. What I really think about them thus are better left unsaid.



Like I said before, I'm too risk-averse.

Been there, done that

The need to try everything, to try experience every conceivable activity, is inherent in all of us. I believe it stems from the human need to want things. Economic theory teaches us that human demands are unlimited, but supply is constrained (i.e. limited). So, a balance is achieved between what we want, and what we can obtain, and demand equals supply.

But I'm not one to talk about economics. What I'm speaking of is the inherent human need to want. What I'm speaking about is the inherent human need to experience.

Perhaps I'm just not getting it: why do we justify the things we do by saying that "it's something I've never experienced before, so I should try it"? We want to try new things out, and the only reason that is worth justifying it is this: 'I've never tried it before, so here I go'.

And that is the basis for all the actions I'm about to list out below:
1. Having sex
2. Smoking pot
3. Drinking alcohol
4. Getting drunk
5. Travelling to obscure parts of this big big world
6. Eating exotic food
7. Participating in extreme sports
8. Going diving (very popular, this one)
9. Doing an MBA (??)
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The list goes on and on.

I don't get it: why do we want to do new things so much? I can understand if you've never eaten Chinese food before, and you would like to try it. But I don't get it if you've never smoked pot and you want to try it. First of all, it's not healthy. Second, you get real stoned - maybe you get more creative, maybe you get more numbed from the experience. And then the result is that you did not enjoy the experience (it wasn't that pleasant huh?), but you justify it by saying, 'I've tried it'. So the point of the experience was to have something akin to boasting rights, something like a little badge to pin on your shoulder, something akin to another table conversation topic.

I don't get it: why are we willing to fork out good money to experience new things? Perhaps you're genuinely interested in seeing what the underwater world is like. Perhaps you are looking for an exciting new way to exercise. Diving does introduce you to a whole new world, a whole new experience. But it costs you. Nonetheless, you have to go for it. Why? Because it is an exciting experience. Because diving gives you a new high, it gives you great pictures to show off to other people. Then you can go exclaiming about that wonderful underwater world that you discovered, the beautiful coral fish, and that shark you saw swimming by. What of it?

Conversation fillers I think. We're all looking for things to say about our lives, and the more we can pepper our conversations with such experiences, the more we appear to be interesting people.

Pathetic aren't we all?

In case you get me wrong on that count, I'm not saying one should never try smoking pot or diving. I'm just against the idea of doing something for the sake of experiencing it - I think that things should be done for the reason that you are GENUINELY interested in them.

Like salsa. Do salsa because you like dancing. Do salsa because it is a great way to meet people. DON'T do salsa because you want to experience it. Don't do it because you've never tried it before, and therefore you want to try it to 'see how'.

Why am I so strongly against that? Because I think that the typical human being, who tries his hand at something for the experience, is doing it for the wrong reason. The wrong reason is to try an experience to gain an 'experience'. The right reason is to do it because you have a genuine passion for it.

Perhaps you need to try it first to gain a passion for it. I don't doubt that, but don't tell me nonsense about how something like 'doing an MBA' is just for the experience. It's good money spent on just an experience, and without the passion and drive for it, you're just not going to love it.

Love what you do, and love what you experience. I'm being preachy here because I'm kind of high (shit, that's what this Brazillian drink called Capirinha does to you). I just don't think that the 'experience' justifies it anymore. I don't think that having 'been there' and 'done that' is enough of an accolade, and people realise soon enough the phony that you are: it comes out in what you say when you aren't truly passionate for something.

So go: love what you do, do what you love.