Positivity and the Benefits of Thinking in Terms of It

"So... do you think I should go on doing it?"

It was a really simple question that was posed.

And after some time, I felt I had a really simple answer to give back.

Now, ignore for a moment what the question pertained to. Yes certainly I could go into whole background of it, but that won't give any context at all to what I'm talking about (which is about positivity - my theory of it I suppose). The seeker wanted my view on whether I think she should go on in her current state, with her attendant hang-ups about the state of affairs, as well as the benefits of what she was getting out of it.

My view was simple: If whatever you're doing gives you a sense of positivity, then continue doing it.

So what's a sense of positivity?

It really depends on what you're getting out of it. If you're getting money out of what you're doing, and you're profiting (even with some investment put in), then your positivity comes out of the profit that you're making.

If you're emotionally satisfied by the relationship you're in, and your emotional reward from being with a partner outweighs the drain of living together with him or her, then your positivity comes from knowing that you're getting more out of it than what you're putting in.

My own positivity story? Well, I switched jobs and industries some one and a half years back for less pay and more fun. I wanted more fun. I didn't mind less pay. And I felt a great relief that more fun made a more positive contribution towards my well-being than more money could have done.

So there: it's really simple. Forget all those self-help stories and books out there. Just ask yourself, when you're in doubt about any current state of being (or perhaps considering a change in status quo), whether you're in a state of positivity.

And if not, then find something else that will bring you there. Or something else that will deliver higher positive benefits for you (i.e. a higher state of positivity)

Really.

The easiest philosophy you'll ever live by.

History Lessons

It is seldom that I blog about movies that I've watched. To escape the mundanity that was existence today, I sneaked off with a good buddy (out on an afternoon birthday treat away from work) to watch a movie about, of all things, dealing with the harsh reality of existence.

Ah, I'm being too harsh a critic. Half Nelson is a nice little film about a history teacher cum basketball coach who's also a drug addict. He teaches history primarily through the use of dialectics, the idea that opposing forces drive change, and history is about change.

The film also tracks his friendship with one of his students, a black girl who is quite self-reliant, and whose friendship with a drug courier shapes the other half of the plot. While the teacher descends into a drug-fueled life plunge just to escape a reality that he cannot change (even while he preaches it), the student finds herself confused into helping her brother's friend run drugs (it didn't help for her to also find out her teacher's a druggie).

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Anyhow, that is the plot. Oh, and lead actor Ryan Gosling is nominated for Best Actor for the Academy Awards (who won last year? I don't recall).

For me, what was more interesting was to hear about the notion of dialectics (Check out this very simple to understand website to read about Dialectics - they even make references to the film).

To understand change, Dialectics philosophers preach that there are 3 rules (Ryan Gosling above has just written down the first one for his class):

1. Every object and process is made of opposing forces or opposing sides: a historically relevant example for Singapore would be its independence from Malaysia. On one side, there is Lee Kuan Yew and the PAP, who do not want Singapore separated from Malaysia; on the other, there is Tunku Abdul Rahman and UMNO, who can't wait to get rid of the pain in the neck that is Singapore.

2. Gradual changes lead to turning points, where one opposite overcomes the other: Racial riots were rife in Singapore, fanned in part by accusations of unfair treatment of Malays in Singapore, while Chinese were incensed by the federal government's policy of affirmative action. Singapore was also economically better off - there was concern of a shift in economic power from the main capital of KL to Chinese-dominated Singapore. The turning point came when the Malaysian parliament voted to expel Singapore from Malaysia as a way of ending the racial riots and rid themselves of the problem once and for all.

3. Change moves in spirals, not circles: For Singapore, there was no turning back. The separation from Malaysia resulted in it moving in a direction that was of its own design, free of intervention from meddlesome Malaysia politicians. However, we see that the forces that drive us apart ultimately also bring us closer - but not to the point of re-unification. Through diplomatic efforts, one force (the force of 'unity') bring us closer again through better ties - economically, politically etc.

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I like this framework for change: I wished they had taught it in b-school or back in the consulting company I worked at. It would have made it easier to show people how system implementations are meant to change them (for good or for better, change is something to live with).

However, I don't think history's all about change: history is also about circumstances. Because of circumstances beyond our control, we are plunged into particular interesting crossroads in history. Because of circumstances which provides the power for one side to dominate another, that side can push change more effectively.

I think it is important to study change (or history for that matter) for the opposing forces there exist, the particular turning points (which is what leads to history teachers making us memorise meaningless dates), and the irrevocable but subtle movement of change in a spiral manner. It is also important to see why one side came to dominate another. It is also important to understand which circumstances made it possible for a change to occur.

Think about it.

Authenticity and Change - To Be or Not To Be

I was intending to reply to a comment to my previous post when I realised that my comment to that comment became longer than a comment merited, and my comment to that comment became its own post.

Confusing? You bet. That's what life's like when you comment too much. Instances of comments outdoing the post are all too common. Commentable comments aside, they somehow have little pride of place in the blogosphere - most comments are given RSS feeds to track back to (thus, comments kind of get... lost).

Still, the comment my friend made was regards authenticity. Bahloo said "If you are yourself and you don't like what you see, should you change or learn to accept it?"

Tough question. But if I can claim to having any pet topics at all, two of them are likely to be about authenticity and change.

My view on change is that it has to be accepted as a constant. It is like one of those undeniably powerful forces in life that shapes and molds one, and denial of, or resistance to, change is typically futile. One has to ride it out, take the punches like a man and move on.

My view on authenticity is that one should strive to be genuine, whether it be in dealings with others, or, more importantly, dealing with oneself. When you can see yourself for what you truly are, and acknowledge your wrinkles et al, then you can truly be comfortable with yourself, and therefore with others.

To change yourself requires a whole lot of courage - for one thing, it means recognising that you are not the person that you want to be right now. To me, it is not unauthentic to change; it is unauthentic though to change superficially. It is unauthentic, and a whole lot sadder, to change what you were born into.

For instance, take fake breasts. Suppose you are a girl and you don't like your breasts because they are too small. So you get implants and in so doing, double your cupsize overnight. What have you changed? Perhaps bigger breasts gave you confidence you never had, garnered you more attention from prying male eyes, and added that bounce in your step. But is that you? Do you really need fake breasts to become a new person?

My honest opinion: if you can face what you see in the mirror, you're authentic. Doesn't matter that cosmetic surgery gave you what you were not born with. What matters is that you re able to live with yourself as the kind of person you manufactured yourself to be. And in your dealings with others, when you can project your self-concept (your idea of who you are) that is consistent with your self-ideal (how you think you should behave), then you are consistent with yourself. There is nothing wrong with upping your self-esteem in artificial ways.

But I do object to people denying what they were born into. To over-dramatise it a bit, imagine a taiwanese Qiong Yao soap opera (complex relationships, prodigal sons, wayward daughters, unfaithful husbands, the works). A boy was born into a humble family, single mother raising 5 kids all on her own. Imbued with a hard-nosed work ethic and the notion that hard work and striving gets him far, he works hard and through his own merit, rose to a position of power and wealth. But when quizzed about his background, he disavows having been born of a single mother and living in poverty. He does not acknowledge his mother, despises the conditions he was born into, and feels disgust at dealing with his hicksville siblings, thinking them to be like moths drawn to the glory of his bright flame.

That is an unauthentic change of self: you may have achieved what you have desired and set out to do. You may have authored your rise to fame and glory, wealth and riches. But if you deny your history, if you deny your family and relations in some vainglorious attempt at attaining a higher state of self, then you do not deserve to be what you are. Assuming and attaining that isn't change of a genuine nature, for it meant change at the expense of denying what you were born with.

I don't like assumed attitudes and I certainly don't like airs. If there is one last thing I can say about the subject, it is that if you are not yourself, you are not doing yourself any favours. Sooner or later, the real self is revealed. Sooner or later, the truth is unearthed.

Dispirited Away

After 12 days on the road, I've finally found some time to blog, and with the WiFi to allow it as well. There were many memories of the places I've been and the things I've seen, but I don't have the heart to yak about them now. I guess the best thing I can do to describe them is to post them up on my flickr set - go check it out if you're interested (a picture speaks a thousand words - all that stuff I've uploaded will speak volumes if that rule applies).

The spirits have left me. Here now, in the countryside of Hampshire, England, I've become somewhat melancholic and down - little excited by what I'm seeing and, though it has been an experience, I'm starting to get discouraged that what I have been looking forward to for the past 3 months might turn out to be a something I'd rather not face.

There are many times in this short life I've lead where I thought I was doing all the right things, and no one says anything that is contrary to that. Work was one: there was a path which I took and I assumed it was right. Of course, those assumptions were checked with people I know, and often, they might have been assuring, they might have been patronising, but they were never correcting. People are afraid of correcting you, of giving you the bitter pill. Perhaps in some cultures, it is more forthcoming, but in the work culture of mine then, it was given in the wrong dosage, and at the last possible moment.

The mistakes I've made and the lessons I have learnt ought to have carried over into the relationships I make with people. I believed that I am now listening better. But I am still not doing some things right - I am listening, but inaction still grips me.

It is disappointing to learn that there are few second chances, and far fewer third chances in life. It is disappointing to also learn that when one gives, and gives, and gives, there is always something else that fail the expectations that the receiver has of one.

Perhaps it is something inherent and cannot be changed. I don't think that people cannot change, for love, for life, for oneself, for God. I just think that change is difficult - I won't change unless I am made to and I want to. If I don't change, I will die for the lack of it.

Maybe there's nothing I can say further, or nothing I can do to change things now - my inability to change fast enough, quickly enough, has led to the state of affairs now. I don't know - I think I have changed, just in a direction that isn't right. I think that life for the other has changed as well, and new relationships are entered into as the old are thrown away. Better related to, better treated with, and better listened to perhaps.

Am I looking to change things once again?



Do I still hope?

A fork in the middle of the road

Qn: What do you do when you come to a fork in the road of Life?

Ans: Look for a spoon.

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Well, it isn't funny, of course, but it seems like a large part of my last 2 years of existence have followed that principle: screw the fork in the road, I'll sit on my ass and chew on it.

Not any more.

Life does not wait for one to idle. It does not wait for one to think things through and sit on one's rear end. Life takes the approach of a relentless assault onwards. It forces you to make decisions, and when you don't make those damn decisions (like... left road or right road) it'll take the (likely) unfavourable one for you.

So here I am, led unwillingly along the path of Life, standing at the cusp of no return. The signs that led me along this road were obvious and loud; on my part, I was blind and ignorant, a show of blatant disregard for the obvious. Now I face a difficult task ahead: I have to change or lose that which is so important to me. There is no alternative.

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So, how is it possible to change one's nature? It certainly does not happen overnight, and it does not happen without a fundamental re-wiring of one's internal psyche. My only recourse is to pray about it (God answers prayers). It's not a coward's way out - it really is the best antidote to salve the pain.

Try. I always try. "Do. Or do not. There is no try." so said Yoda.

So right you are.

Can you spare some change?

Delirium says in her orange voice balloon: When you say words a lot they don't mean anything. Or maybe they don't mean anything anyway, and we just think they do.

Being a purveyor of change (in my line of work), it was with some surprise that I found myself in a reactionary mood when given the chance to change. I've been given a ticket out of purgatory that is my job; instead of jumping for joy at the prospect, I've been racked with by hesitation and... the fear of change.

Ultimately though, I've decided to go for it. It is a good change after all, and it means I come out of it (hopefully) a better person. This journey of change will begin with the new year, and it will be the first time I've made a move out of my current job situation.

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It is understandable that we all fear change to some degree - I've always advocated change if it was for the better, or was necessary for improvement in the current circumstances. My change though, won't improve current circumstances in the short term. It will, in fact, be really hard to cope with for a year or so.

The truth for me is, if I don't change, I'll die. No, I won't die literally, but I will die spiritually. The longer I stay in my current steady state, the more I find myself dug further into a hole, stuck like that frog at the bottom of the well, entrenched like a World War One infantryman. I believe that we do not play dice with God - if He gambles big, so do you. And that's where I am - I'm putting everything on the line for this one.

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Caution is a bane - it binds you to a set of principles you've defined to limit yourself. Caution is option - the option to back down, take the well-trodden approach. Caution is to live like today will be repeated tomorrow, tomorrow being as certain to turn out the same as today.

Caution is also living to expectations, doing enough to meet demands. Caution is to regard change as the work of the devil - what good is there in uncertainty? Can you measure it? Cautiously?

Tread with care and you'll dread to bear (the pain).

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A wise man told me once: God gave us free will because He loves us as a father loves his children. It would have been so much easier for God to have been absolutely dictatorial in His creation - rob us of free will and reign over our lives, dictating every move from the point of creation till the end of time. But what good is that to his creation, if they can't chart their own destiny? Humans would never have learnt to explore and experiment, and they would never have found God on their own.

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The most absolute form of love you can give your children is to set them free - give them that opportunity to explore and experiment. Advise, but don't dictate - for isn't that what God does? Prayer to God isn't about making demands or prostating oneself in deference to a mighty being. Prayer is about communication and hearing the voice of reason.

I think we ultimately choose our destiny - though it does appear there is someone to guide us along.

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If a chance for change should come your way, jump at it with all your heart and don't look back. If I don't change, I might as well die for lack of enthusiasm. It may be a black hole now, but you might come out the other side pleasantly surprised.

I don't want to play dice twice.