We Call it the B-school Curse... or is it Blessing?
Boon or bane, you decide. Long rambling post ahead btw.
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As I recall from my pre-INSEAD days, B-school appeared to be a glamorous thing to do. It is one-year (this being INSEAD) away from all the cares of the world, and you choose how much you want to put into your course. My much-simplified view of the B-school world went along 3 dimensions: academic, career and social. I pretty much counted on the administration to work on the first 2 aspects; what threw me off about INSEAD was the social bit of it.
INSEAD is one year away from the life you once knew, and from a social point of view, that means that your whole social life is somewhat redefined when you come in (unless of course you're a local). You meet interesting people, go for parties and soak yourself in the social scene. You make new friends, and in the process discover that things might go a little further than "we're just friends".
Things get redefined a lot at B-school, including your relationships. For what I have to say, I only have my INSEAD experiences to speak from but I think it suffices: I want to talk about the relationships we build and tear down while in B-school.
I think what works best for pre-school relationships (btw, I'm referring to an existing relationship one may be in at the point one enters B-school; NOT kindergarten childhood sweethearts), assuming you're intent on keeping it going, is to have the partner immersed in the experience. Have her interact with other partners and socialise with the same people you do. This means that there are no secrets between the two of you: what you see is what you get. It doesn't hurt to be an insider; it can hurt if your partner stays out.
You might think that it's safe if you're already married and leaving your spouse behind. I think that probably only works if you're newly-weds. You're likely to meet so many people here that the 'What-if' questions come to mind often enough to destroy any notion that your relationship is rock solid. In the course of the last 5 months, we've seen a couple of affairs leading to divorce / separation.
Even if you aren't hooking up with someone new, you might just break up an existing relationship. There are many reasons for this but the most common theme seems to be: 'I come to B-school and discovered that I'm not who I thought I was, and I also think now that I don't really know you that well, nor myself that well either, so maybe it is better that we don't see each other anymore'.
So is it all bad news on the relationship front? Not really: B-school is a great place to meet smart, bright people who love to party (INSEAD attracts that breed well). Parties are great opportunites to meet, greet and do the deed. So what's better than doing all that with smart, bright people who are going through the same shit that you are?
My half-baked theory on building relationships is that they are built on that raw material known as common shared experiences. My less well baked theory on destroying relationships is that not having common shared experiences is certain to spell its doom. Somewhere in between these two notions is where most of our relationships probably sit. INSEAD, being such an immersive social experience, means that you do a lot of the 'common shared experience' thing with your fellow classmates.
What all this means is that: 1, you're likely to make a lot of new friends fast in B-school, and if you're single, it'll appear like there are many opportunities to play hook up; 2, your existing relationship is likely to be strained unless your partner comes along for the ride; and 3, don't have expectations that your life and world view is going to be same after all that.
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In other news, I'm 'outed' again but it's pleasant to actually know some INSEADers have actually read this blog. :) Thanks for dropping in!
3 comments:
I don't think this issue is limited to b-school. Take the transition from JC to univ where JC couples have to split with the gal going univ and guy into the army. The breakup rate is exceedingly high too. I'm sure you have heard of cases where one of the spouses goes overseas working and well things happen. Hence, I don't attribute it to b-school per se but the weakness of the human heart and our intinsic need for companionship. Add that to the fact that having refreshing encounters may sometimes misinform as "I'm living a REAL life now." However, as I grow older, I am beginning see relationships as conscious and sustained choice in commitment. If I were to always go with that euphoric feeling of meeting someone new/exciting then I'm in the danger of bonking hot 17 yr olds when I'm 50, a time when my spouse is less-than attractive. Should I give in to such natural urges? (haha, ok don't ask them I know the answer of many LOL!) That said, every break-up is unique. If b-school radically changes your worldview so much so that it invalidates your existing relationship, I understand the separation. I just hope the worldview continues to survive apart from the context it was born. Just my 20 yen worth. :)
Anyway, great to see you having a great time in France, brother. Take care, drive safely and keep writing. :)
It is relative. The partner may not be in the social scene. But you may also not be in the partner's social scene. Sometimes, each should have his/her own set of friends. We all need breathing space.
Stripey: You're always my voice of reason. :) However, there are a couple of things to note about B-school romances that I forgot to point out:
1. These aren't school kids we're talking about - they're supposed to be adults. For many of them, the social scene is a way to live the life they never had as an undergrad, or perhaps to grab that last chance at being a 'player', or that one opportunity to live a carefree existence. Life in itself is too loaded with expectations - as a 30-year-old student (most of them are) it is that last chance at irresponsibility. Hard to resist I think.
2. People are weak - I don't deny that. And people change. B-school is quite different from those transitory phases we know about because B-school itself meant opportunity for most people. I don't mean just opportunity in a social sense - it is also an opportunity to re-invent oneself (mostly a perpetrated myth). It is not lost on any B-schooler that this is a time of reflection and pondering: Many do re-think their lives during this time and certainly quite a few of them take active steps to change.
Change is never always good, nor always bad. But when you stop changing, it means you're dead to the world. Few things bring that change out as much as B-school does (though I don't discount that other experiences have their life-altering moments as well, I just think B-school and it's place in time makes it somewhat more poignant).
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